Something is weighing me down. There is so much on my mind, I can feel my heart weighing like a stone. I wonder if I'm putting in too much effort in this friendship that I'm getting hurt. (No, not a boy-girl r/s I'm talking about). I'm a simple person in the sense that If you are true to me, nice to me, I'll do the same to you. I'll want to know more about you, speak more to you, bare my heart to you and I trust you. Just when I thought I could do that, you kept a distance away. Promises are not always fulfilled and no 100% trust. Am I too simple a person? Am I being too nice? Is this friendship a one-sided thing? I've always wanted to put myself before others. But I've come to realize I'm getting hurt all over doing that. Reality is harsh. Fend for myself? Sigh. Can there be simple and pure friendship? Without the need to make use of each other (at least not in the negative sense). I'm tired. Nobody really understands me in this world. Is there any soul mate I can bare my heart to? Am I relying too much on my friends? I'm feeling I'm alone in this world and this feeling sucks. I really cherish this friendship.

Something adding on to my worries is what am I going to do after graduation. There seem to be a lot of choices like doing phD locally or overseas or work but things/situation is always not so simple. I do not have the money to study overseas. Even though there are scholarships available, there are still a lot more expenses incurred. Whats more, I cannot possible leave my parents behind in SG for 4 years. Mum's getting on in age and her body's already showing sign of overwork. Its really time for her to slower her pace and enjoy life; and its high time for me to earn money and support them. This left me with only the choice of phD locally, which I do not see the point for several reasons, or work, which I'm reluctant, for several reasons as well. All in all, I feel life is a chore! I miss the carefree lifestyle. I know the feeling I'm feeling. The feeling of being in control, the feeling of heading in your own direction. The feeling of putting your feet into a fitting running shoes and letting your feet fly and take you to wherever you want to go. Do you understand? Do you experience this feeling? I want it very much! I just want to stop thinking about all these mind-boggling stuff! CAN I???? AM I ALONE? LEARN TO HELP MYSELF? I'M DISAPPOINTED, DIS-HEARTENED. I am.... losing myself.